9 year old, Eric Billups, examined after attempting "Exploding Pants" gag in classroom. Boy expected to be in big trouble when he gets home.

Child attempted to create a fireball by passing gas and lighting it during class. Upon ignition, child's pants immediately combusted at the rear, burning the rest of his pants off. Prior to stunt, boy admits dousing underwear in gasoline for "ultimate comedic effect." He was released from hospital without injury.
 

Eric's father, Stephen Billups states: "I don't find it funny or cute, and he knows that. I have told him time and time again that it's my gasoline and to leave it alone. He doesn't listen or care, because he doesn't know how expensive gas is right now. Just the other day I gave him a gallon of premium and he wasted it all on God knows what. He's got another thing coming if he thinks he can just take my things and use it for shit like this."

School Administrators pass new rule banning "farts during school hours."

Local child rockers, "The Pattycake Boys" release single "Cootie Holes" off upcoming album entitled "We Potty Rockin'."

We Potty Rockin' Tracklisting:

01. I Said, I Didn't Do It
02. Cootie Holes
03. My Crib, My Rulez
04. Somethin to Cry About
05. You Gonna Get It Now (DJ BabyBitch Remix)
06. Bling Out Your Binky
07. Tantrum City (featuring vocals by Baby Armz)
                                                        08. From the Diaper to the Toilet
                                                        09. We Potty Rockin'
                                                        10. Naptimez Over Bitchez
                                                        11. The Ragamuffin Blues
                                                        12. Babysitter Hands

"'We Potty Rockin'' is a refreshing upbeat departure from The Pattycake Boys' first release, "Mama's Milk." The Boys have successfully paired Rock, Hip-Hop, Dance, and House Techno into the perfect party album for any age. Their first hit single, "Cootie Holes," is a raunchy, toe-tapping rendition about the classic tales of early playground politics amongst genders. The chanting chorus "I'll tell if you don't leave me alone/Go away you stupid cootie hole" easily hooks a permanent rotation on your brain's jukebox. Once again, The Pattycake Boys have made a successful record that will keep you "Potty Rockin'" way past your bedtime."

- Doug Husk, critic/journalist for Beats, Bops & Bibs Magazine

Insane Clown Posse's Violent J ponders solo career, finance, and fatherhood in new autobiography: "Treading Lightly."

Author donates all profits to The Sweet Teresa Foundation.


Juggalos everywhere are brought to tears from book and declare it "an insightful masterpiece".

Twin brothers, Mac and Mike Tupolo, found dead in their San Diego home.

Local Police Chief states: "There were no indications of any foul play. The men appear to have died of natural causes."

Local lover, Alan Funty, assaulted by workers at Discount Cuddles & Hugs Shop. Describes incident as a "nightmarish fiasco."

Funty claims employees repeatedly taunted, tickled, and pinched him, resulting in small bruises as well as mental trauma.

Okinawan handyman/small tree enthusiast arrested for murder of local karate man.

Man also charged with: Violating child labor laws under the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA), modification to premises without proper permits, and work conditions found in non-compliance with OSHA standards.

Local punks celebrate exoneration with delightful display of quick-kicks.

Local karate man, Lance Gruber, found dead at 58. Authorities suspect foul play.

Forensic pathologist states: "Trauma to the arthrodial joint between the lateral condyle of the tibia and the head of the fibula are consistent with a martial arts technique known as 'sweeping.'"

Local karate thugs sought for questioning.

Professional Grammar Critic, Brian Bunter, found dead from anal injury at Burning Man festival.

Officials jokingly determine "colon punctuation" as cause of death.

Elder think tank replicates internet with household products. Pepper grinders found to improve download speeds.

Despite technological discovery, most seniors find the concept of email to be "foolish."

Crescendo ruined after accomplished musician, Eric Fonder, mistakingly plays pen instead of trumpet during live performance.

Brass band "The Hot Horners" place ad for new Trumpeteer. Call and ask for Gus Temple @ (555) HOT-HORN

Local playboy, Armand Soda, leaves Easter onions all over town. Children baffled by "wierd eggs."

Baby Fabian states: "Although important, today is not about finding eggs, onions or candy. It's about celebrating the day Jesus became President."

Parents finally put an end to son's "Lil' Rambo" routine. Residents rest easy for the time being.

Child wishes to be left alone, but insists he will not be silenced.

"Unicorn, The Porn" available today!

The New York Times calls it: "No comment."

Co-pilot/single dad, Mark Peppers, finds creative way to keep troubled son off streets.

FAA officials to award son with honorary Pilot Wings for improved behavior.




Mile High Club singles everywhere are taking notice.

Audiences everywhere are thrilled after long anticipated film "Unicorn, The Porn" gets official release date.

Coy looking actor is set to direct.

Original cast signs on for "Goonies III," the long anticipated theatrical sequel to the top selling Konami NES video game.

The relationship status of Bran and Andy remains unclear.



Cast and crew eager to begin filming the preconceived trilogy. The role of Annie the mermaid has yet to be determined.

Local idiot to reprise the role of "Sloth" in lieu of John Matuszak, who died shortly after the making of the 8-bit sequel.

Meatloaf belts National Anthem while local blind man plays two of the "world's smallest violins" simultaneously.

Insiders report that the two are set to kick-off a world tour this summer.

Local fan publicly scolded by mother, regretfully ignores entire performance.

Dump truck found half eaten.

Officials seek Pittsburgh woman for questioning.

Local boy, Patrick O' Pupe, claims to be the first child "Pigophile."

Officials are far from impressed.

After long night of partying, PacMan receives third citation for illegal dumping.

Friends blame erratic behavior on too many pills.

New study concludes that wearing sunglasses while breastfeeding is a total "fashion nightmare."

Local Scientists find correlation between new study and age-old "Diva Syndrome."

Foster kid, Ricky Tint from Shinola, eats shit all the time. Claims to "love it."

Foster moms state: "It's so cute, he really doesn't know any better."

Local proprietor rents dump truck to haul woman from bar.

Bar owners say: "Pittsburgh stinks!"

Local buffoon fired for "too much party, and not enough work."

70 year old assistant manager states: "He was months behind on paperwork. I need sales at their highest if I'm ever going to move out of my parents house."

Miserable tenant, Bess Trundle, no longer enjoys complaining of drafty apartment. Accuses Romanian "bitches" in C12 of using black magic on her.

Residents of C12 state: "She crazy lady. She complain all time for not anything. We no listen now."

Local Authorities postpone investigation due to Cholera outbreak.