Local man monkeys around with science, ruins perfectly good head of hair. Scientists outraged.

Local scientist determines: "Cats are not hair."

Local karate uncle gets to meet Helen Hughes.

Local child denied dinner for poor behavior. Takes up drinking coffee to curb hunger pangs.

Battered sister reports "no comment."

Derelict Dog Mistaken for Veteran, Receives Honors at WWII Awards.

Officials attempt to locate dog and #1 Sergeant, Kenneth Dimple.
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Uncle demonstrates karate chop on 4 local brats. Judges applaud after each child is struck in different area with just one shot.

Local man can't grasp html./div>

Mom farts on son's stomach to relieve tummyache. Boy able to finish vegetables.

Licensed Physician deems Mom's method to be valid.

After spilling milk and making a mess, Trout waves "buh-bye" to first job.

Manager states: "Despite breaking company policy, I wish him nothing but the best." (Good reference pending.)

Local 2nd grader, Spence Cola, held in police custody for string of recent Piggy Bank robberies.

Attorney releases statement: "This is defamation of my client's character. He served as Group Leader in class for two weeks, of which he was awarded ten gold stars. He is an honored Hall Monitor and former Spelling Bee Champion. My client is not a bad boy."

Smack Trippleberry says: "Dont touch my fucking stuff!"

Kid brother Tim Trippleberry states: "He's just mad that mommy punished him. I told him I didn't want to be tickled and now he can't come to my party."

Local "Problem Child" purchases Deli, assaults Grandparents and Principal during Grand Opening. Customers give food amazing reviews.

Deli worker states: "His work ethic and product are superb, but he's the worst child I've ever known."

Entire southwest reduced to nothing but delicious neapolitan dream.

George Bush insists Saddam Hussein is behind ice cream travesty.

Melting ice cream prices destroys small town.

Local boys content with popsicles.

Washington assures the rest of the country that it's still safe to eat ice cream.

International Chocolate & Vinegar heiress, Ophelia Plate, dines on yogurt and donates entire fortune to charity. Community is inspired.

Visit drives local ice cream sales to melt.

Pandemonium ensues when local "Hulkster" arrives unannounced at Venice Beach party. Authorities investigate.

Party attendees encouraged to continue with prayer and vitamin regiment.

Local Aunt, Cathy Applehorn, gives birth to grandchild. Family is proud she's accomplished anything at all.

Cousin Reggie Applehorn states: "Good for her. I suppose it's kind of a beautiful child."

Local father disowns son over practical joke. Spotted on first yellow submarine to Pepperland.

Manslaughter charges dropped, as baby faked death for April Fool's joke. Judge, jury, and wife in on the joke. Husband has mixed emotions.

Fabricated death deemed "Scientific evidence."




Baby claims he was "just fooling around."




Fuming husband states: "He is his mother's son."

Father charged with Manslaughter over verbal joke.

Jurors state: "This is no laughing matter. A son died today. Justice must be served."

Local husband plays April Fool's joke on Wife. Child dies laughing. Husband awaits trial.