America mourns the loss of Columbo. Locals now forced to enjoy Yoplait.

Local child saddened to learn that there will no longer be fruit on the bottom.

Local banshee faces charges of vandalism, destruction of private property, aiding and abetting acts of theft and looting, disturbing the peace, impersonating a super hero without proper permits, and copyright infringement.

Prominent DA blames Hollywood for "glamorizing and condoning superhero behavior among impressionable adolescents."

Local exman/voiceover actor continues to staunchly reassure general public that "mutants are not a threat to humans."

Riverside real estate mogul, Buck Tupper, pulls listings and cancels showings after being attacked by angry salmon.

Authorities suspect something "fishy" about incident as ocean view property sales skyrocket.

Rival realtor closes on 6th beach house this week. Denies any involvement in attack.

World's oldest high school senior dies during commencement.

In his 70-year-enrollment at Dipper P. Goose High School, Ronald Tiggles was best known as the starting quarterback, teacher's pet, and Great Grandpa. He will be missed.

Medium sized child found in street. Larger sized child had "first dibs."

Bird regrets missed opportunity.

Local man ignores several Cease and Desist letters from Mars, Inc., and continues to "Taste the Rainbow."

Mars Inc. CEO expects an "exhausting and lengthy trial."