Well, I wanna die
Quality nonsense.
Wednesday, May 19, 2021
Local man sells baby on internet because he "needed money."
Local theatre enthusiast, Fred Fard, admits that it was a "bad idea," after being arrested on 6 accounts of abuse and neglect to a minor. Fard also remarked that "The state's budget for the arts isn't what it used to be."
Tuesday, May 18, 2021
BREAKING NEWS! Local Idiots Rehash Old Blog. Onion is Not Pleased...
Pervert carrot, and Onion adversary on the other hand appears to be VERY excited.
Local idiots seal the deal with Presidential handshake.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Breaking News: President Barack Obama does not possess a United States death certificate.
The Clinton campaign took a turn for the worse when it was reported Sunday October 16, 2016 that her party's incumbent President—Barack Obama was unable to provide a valid United Stated death certificate when prompted to do so by local Trump supporters. When confronted with the issue, President Obama simply stated that he could not provide any form of a credible death certificate. When pressed by the media to explain how this was possible, the President went on record informing reporters that he is not dead, and therefore has no need for such a document. The news came as a shock to Trump supporters stating "any persons holding Presidential office must have record of a valid US death certificate." Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is expected to leverage this groundbreaking revelation to secure his—quote, unquote—"imminent victory" in the race to the White House.
Local Pundit Karol Diggles is confident that the issue is a "gross misunderstanding" and assures local public that such a "minuscule detail" should not have any impact on the upcoming election.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Snowmen assemble rally for equal rights. Government says "snow way."
At the hight of the Occupy Wall Street movement, local snowmen push to obtain normal constitutional rights, including the right to bear tree branch arms. Celebrity spokesperson for the movement, Frosty the Snowman, states: "No longer should we be forced to smoke corncob pipes, and wear old silk hats that make us begin to dance around!"
Government officials agree that the motion is "just another example of homeless freeloaders hoping to get a hand out." Motion vote fails 97-1.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Local OWS martyr, Michael Tike, dies protecting a political assembly in a field normally occupied by undisposed dog waste and homeless people.
Local authorities state that "Mr. Tike was rubbish that the city has neglected to take out for years."
Due to recent recycling laws, State DA seeks a hefty fine from the city, stating: "If the city doesn't take recycling seriously, who will?" Rhetorical question remains unanswered.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Local toy is apathetic, children are not amused.
Neighborhood hot shot, Pete Tuschy, finds the toy to be "boring," and "a tremendously unreliable source."
Friday, June 24, 2011
America mourns the loss of Columbo. Locals now forced to enjoy Yoplait.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Local banshee faces charges of vandalism, destruction of private property, aiding and abetting acts of theft and looting, disturbing the peace, impersonating a super hero without proper permits, and copyright infringement.
Prominent DA blames Hollywood for "glamorizing and condoning superhero behavior among impressionable adolescents."
Local exman/voiceover actor continues to staunchly reassure general public that "mutants are not a threat to humans."
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Riverside real estate mogul, Buck Tupper, pulls listings and cancels showings after being attacked by angry salmon.
Authorities suspect something "fishy" about incident as ocean view property sales skyrocket.
Rival realtor closes on 6th beach house this week. Denies any involvement in attack.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
World's oldest high school senior dies during commencement.
In his 70-year-enrollment at Dipper P. Goose High School, Ronald Tiggles was best known as the starting quarterback, teacher's pet, and Great Grandpa. He will be missed.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Medium sized child found in street. Larger sized child had "first dibs."
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Local man ignores several Cease and Desist letters from Mars, Inc., and continues to "Taste the Rainbow."
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Local resident, Chauncey Downs, casted as Macauley Culkin portaying Michael Alig in upcoming film "Potty Monster."
Monday, May 30, 2011
Local Popeye helps charity and dies.
Local resident and full-time Popeye impersonator, Eugene LaPharfe, wowed donors at the Sweet Theresa Fundraiser this week during a dangerous performance involving the entertainer eating his own teeth. After his act, Mr. LaPharfe was immediately rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to extract the teeth from his stomach. Although the procedure was a success, Mr. LaPharfe tragically passed away after falling down the stairs due to complications from the surgery.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Local Heavy Metal music enthusiasts find the world's largest invisible testicles.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Jesus stands up the entire world. Millions of Christians are "bummed."
Above: Local religion follower and self-proclaimed "cool uncle," Jason J. Jaye, waits for the Jesus as their casserole dinner gets cold.
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