Snowmen assemble rally for equal rights. Government says "snow way."

At the hight of the Occupy Wall Street movement, local snowmen push to obtain normal constitutional rights, including the right to bear tree branch arms. Celebrity spokesperson for the movement, Frosty the Snowman, states: "No longer should we be forced to smoke corncob pipes, and wear old silk hats that make us begin to dance around!"

Government officials agree that the motion is "just another example of homeless freeloaders hoping to get a hand out." Motion vote fails 97-1.

Local OWS martyr, Michael Tike, dies protecting a political assembly in a field normally occupied by undisposed dog waste and homeless people.

Local authorities state that "Mr. Tike was rubbish that the city has neglected to take out for years."

Due to recent recycling laws, State DA seeks a hefty fine from the city, stating: "If the city doesn't take recycling seriously, who will?" Rhetorical question remains unanswered.

Local toy is apathetic, children are not amused.

Neighborhood hot shot, Pete Tuschy, finds the toy to be "boring," and "a tremendously unreliable source."

America mourns the loss of Columbo. Locals now forced to enjoy Yoplait.

Local child saddened to learn that there will no longer be fruit on the bottom.

Local banshee faces charges of vandalism, destruction of private property, aiding and abetting acts of theft and looting, disturbing the peace, impersonating a super hero without proper permits, and copyright infringement.

Prominent DA blames Hollywood for "glamorizing and condoning superhero behavior among impressionable adolescents."

Local exman/voiceover actor continues to staunchly reassure general public that "mutants are not a threat to humans."

Riverside real estate mogul, Buck Tupper, pulls listings and cancels showings after being attacked by angry salmon.

Authorities suspect something "fishy" about incident as ocean view property sales skyrocket.

Rival realtor closes on 6th beach house this week. Denies any involvement in attack.

World's oldest high school senior dies during commencement.

In his 70-year-enrollment at Dipper P. Goose High School, Ronald Tiggles was best known as the starting quarterback, teacher's pet, and Great Grandpa. He will be missed.

Medium sized child found in street. Larger sized child had "first dibs."

Bird regrets missed opportunity.

Local man ignores several Cease and Desist letters from Mars, Inc., and continues to "Taste the Rainbow."

Mars Inc. CEO expects an "exhausting and lengthy trial."

Local family adopts baby boy, but mistakingly brings home pine tree instead. Family deems blunder to be a blessing, as tree is very well behaved.

Welcoming their new addition to the family are brothers, Paul & Dennis Schrimp.

Local resident, Chauncey Downs, casted as Macauley Culkin portaying Michael Alig in upcoming film "Potty Monster."

An upset Culkin seeks solace in elderly neighbor after his performance is dumped on.

Local Popeye helps charity and dies.

Local resident and full-time Popeye impersonator, Eugene LaPharfe, wowed donors at the Sweet Theresa Fundraiser this week during a dangerous performance involving the entertainer eating his own teeth. After his act, Mr. LaPharfe was immediately rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to extract the teeth from his stomach. Although the procedure was a success, Mr. LaPharfe tragically passed away after falling down the stairs due to complications from the surgery. 

Local Heavy Metal music enthusiasts find the world's largest invisible testicles.

Officials confirm that no larger set of invisible balls have been submitted.

Jesus stands up the entire world. Millions of Christians are "bummed."

Above: Local religion follower and self-proclaimed "cool uncle," Jason J. Jaye, waits for the Jesus as their casserole dinner gets cold.

Rapture was just kidding.

Local realist, Quinton P. Nickels states: "I knew it was a joke the whole time."

Local dog found playing dead. Crybaby owner won't turn off the water works.

Local neighbor says dog's owner is a "little baby poop head."

Mom & Daughter dream team memorialize their bond for Mother's Day. Childless divorcee and adoring fan provides the ink.

Dream Team mother and daughter, Barbara & Tilly Tooter, signed a non-traditional blood pact to be "Forever honest, true, and loving to each other." With the Tooters being unable to draw their own blood, a long time fan of the small family came to the rescue. Local resident, Elaine Tayne, donated blood directly from her barren womb to the help consummate the Tooter’s special bond. 

Although Ms Tayne is unable to reproduce or adopt children, she had this to say about the event: “My body and the state won’t allow me to have kids, but there’s always more than one way to give birth. Just like I gave birth to the joy and happiness the Tooters now share ”. 

Local doctor, K. Upton Soppy, filed a request with the city to legally start performing non-child birth deliveries and related procedures after business hours. City Council is expected to vote soon on the matter. 

Lil' Rambo at it again after refusing to play quietly. Residents flee town in record numbers.

Boy claims "playtime is over."


Officials identify boy's sister Becca as potential accomplice. Neighbors state: "She was the only one who could ever play nicely with that boy."






Mercenary Mommy brought in by officials to end this nonsense.

McCallister family falls on hard times, parents forced to sell their home...alone.

Local Bandits to submit generous offer.

Parents blame financial upheaval on sons decades of erratic and volatile behavior, over indulgent use of illegal drugs, irresponsible spending, and the film "My Girl."

Discipline guru is set to host conference for new dads at local hospital. All proceeds donated to The Sweet Teresa Fund.

Dr. Ben B. Piper demonstrates how to establish immediate parental dominance with famous technique.

Ted Prunte claims to be at wit's end with newborn son. Father desperately seeks safe and legal means for setting precedence with bratty baby.

Cinco de Mayo deemed "unsexy."

Senoritas convene everywhere over Cervezas to discuss annual disappointment.

Recent study concludes that well fed soda enthusiasts carry Shameless Free Spirit genome.

Test subject Eric “Pab” Chuckles consistently displayed traits of the SFS genome over the course of several days.



Professor K. Upton Soppy believes recent findings will convince his scientific peers that he is "on to something."

Guitar is a hero, claim local authorities.

Local authority states: This guitar has single-handedly prevented another outbreak of dumbass kids wasting their parents hard earned money on something they'll never be any good at.

Completed homework percentages hit all time low.

Babysitter Anna Tips arrested for posing as child psychologist extraordinaire.

Ms. Tips admits to having applied discredited child psychology exercises during playtime to wind down children and subconsciously encourage earlier bedtimes. The babysitter claims she only acted as a vehicle for the subject to manifest their own personal breakthroughs. She vehemently denies any responsibility for disruption in child's behavioral pattern.


Local apothecary immediately notified authorities of the suspected fraud after parents of Vernon Prittle dropped off phony prescriptions for Prozac and laughter to be filled for son.

Re-elected local mayor delivers on campaign promises. Town residents pleased to get mad props in the mail.

Mayor Ronald Scuttle and wife Cheryl Ronnie-Scuttle pictured above.



Resident Harold Loaf states: "Finally, a politician who gives back to the community and doesn't just tax that ass."

Bring your internet child to work day is a huge success!

Local office manager says: "Productivity is at an all time high, and it keeps dads off of the facebook."