#1 big boy has #2 attitude.

Above: Internet blogger Ted displays that he is too big for his britches.

Internet blogger extraordinaire Chris states: The allegations against me are untrue. Everyone knows that I'm best #1 big boy forever.

Newly appointed Fashion Police Sheriff, Greg Tip, vows to crack down on "Ghetto Couture." Deputy Bryce Grup instructed to chastise and fine any persons wearing Scarface paraphanelia on site.

Pictured above:  Sheriff Tip & Deputy Grup celebrating post-inauguration.




Until now officials were unable to enforce law due to jurisdiction.

40 year investigation comes to an end as officials finally apprehend D'Jour F. Poupon, aka "The Great Mouse of Minsk." Suspect responsible for massive rodent infestation and conspiracy against felines.

Mr. Poupon eluded officials for years while his Mouseketeer Army attempted to develop a "secret weapon" to rid all cats from America.




Officials believed they would never capture Poupon alive.





Authorities to place moratorium on "never saying never again."

Hated Irish Chef, O'Seamus Ben-Lachlan, found dead at a Parking Stand. Was killed after unknown U.S. Operator fought and set fire to Ben-Lachlan.

Restaurateur & Chef, founded "Al Caters!" and several "Tally Bon" restaurant chains. Al Caters! received heavy criticism for hostile and competitive nature towards other local restaurant chain, "Joe's American Bar & Grill." Tally Bon also received negative criticisms due to alleged sexism and abuse towards female employees. O'Sheamus Ben-Lachlan condoned the above accusations and admitted to masterminding the heinous vandalization of two American Bar & Grills, resulting in over $3,000 worth of damages.

911 Dispatch operators claim Ben-Lachlan despised and hated the 911 emergency and 411 information system. He adamantly demanded the numbers be switched around, as he considered it "unnecessarily complicated" and "an affront to his personal level of comfort." Ben-Lachlan continuously threatened all Dispatchers and staff, and declared a "War on the American way of dialing." He is also believed to be behind the sending of unmarked packages of free tacos to telephone headquarters, causing the salmonella poisonings of three 911 dispatchers.


Officials celebrate Ben-Lachlan's death, as they always despised him for his poor form and negative attitude. They intend to crackdown on Al Caters! and Tally Bon Restaurants, as a backlash of poor service and food is anticipated. Despite their founder's passing, both restaurants will continue to remain open during business hours.

9 year old, Eric Billups, examined after attempting "Exploding Pants" gag in classroom. Boy expected to be in big trouble when he gets home.

Child attempted to create a fireball by passing gas and lighting it during class. Upon ignition, child's pants immediately combusted at the rear, burning the rest of his pants off. Prior to stunt, boy admits dousing underwear in gasoline for "ultimate comedic effect." He was released from hospital without injury.
 

Eric's father, Stephen Billups states: "I don't find it funny or cute, and he knows that. I have told him time and time again that it's my gasoline and to leave it alone. He doesn't listen or care, because he doesn't know how expensive gas is right now. Just the other day I gave him a gallon of premium and he wasted it all on God knows what. He's got another thing coming if he thinks he can just take my things and use it for shit like this."

School Administrators pass new rule banning "farts during school hours."

Local child rockers, "The Pattycake Boys" release single "Cootie Holes" off upcoming album entitled "We Potty Rockin'."

We Potty Rockin' Tracklisting:

01. I Said, I Didn't Do It
02. Cootie Holes
03. My Crib, My Rulez
04. Somethin to Cry About
05. You Gonna Get It Now (DJ BabyBitch Remix)
06. Bling Out Your Binky
07. Tantrum City (featuring vocals by Baby Armz)
                                                        08. From the Diaper to the Toilet
                                                        09. We Potty Rockin'
                                                        10. Naptimez Over Bitchez
                                                        11. The Ragamuffin Blues
                                                        12. Babysitter Hands

"'We Potty Rockin'' is a refreshing upbeat departure from The Pattycake Boys' first release, "Mama's Milk." The Boys have successfully paired Rock, Hip-Hop, Dance, and House Techno into the perfect party album for any age. Their first hit single, "Cootie Holes," is a raunchy, toe-tapping rendition about the classic tales of early playground politics amongst genders. The chanting chorus "I'll tell if you don't leave me alone/Go away you stupid cootie hole" easily hooks a permanent rotation on your brain's jukebox. Once again, The Pattycake Boys have made a successful record that will keep you "Potty Rockin'" way past your bedtime."

- Doug Husk, critic/journalist for Beats, Bops & Bibs Magazine

Insane Clown Posse's Violent J ponders solo career, finance, and fatherhood in new autobiography: "Treading Lightly."

Author donates all profits to The Sweet Teresa Foundation.


Juggalos everywhere are brought to tears from book and declare it "an insightful masterpiece".

Twin brothers, Mac and Mike Tupolo, found dead in their San Diego home.

Local Police Chief states: "There were no indications of any foul play. The men appear to have died of natural causes."

Local lover, Alan Funty, assaulted by workers at Discount Cuddles & Hugs Shop. Describes incident as a "nightmarish fiasco."

Funty claims employees repeatedly taunted, tickled, and pinched him, resulting in small bruises as well as mental trauma.

Okinawan handyman/small tree enthusiast arrested for murder of local karate man.

Man also charged with: Violating child labor laws under the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA), modification to premises without proper permits, and work conditions found in non-compliance with OSHA standards.

Local punks celebrate exoneration with delightful display of quick-kicks.

Local karate man, Lance Gruber, found dead at 58. Authorities suspect foul play.

Forensic pathologist states: "Trauma to the arthrodial joint between the lateral condyle of the tibia and the head of the fibula are consistent with a martial arts technique known as 'sweeping.'"

Local karate thugs sought for questioning.

Professional Grammar Critic, Brian Bunter, found dead from anal injury at Burning Man festival.

Officials jokingly determine "colon punctuation" as cause of death.

Elder think tank replicates internet with household products. Pepper grinders found to improve download speeds.

Despite technological discovery, most seniors find the concept of email to be "foolish."

Crescendo ruined after accomplished musician, Eric Fonder, mistakingly plays pen instead of trumpet during live performance.

Brass band "The Hot Horners" place ad for new Trumpeteer. Call and ask for Gus Temple @ (555) HOT-HORN

Local playboy, Armand Soda, leaves Easter onions all over town. Children baffled by "wierd eggs."

Baby Fabian states: "Although important, today is not about finding eggs, onions or candy. It's about celebrating the day Jesus became President."

Parents finally put an end to son's "Lil' Rambo" routine. Residents rest easy for the time being.

Child wishes to be left alone, but insists he will not be silenced.

"Unicorn, The Porn" available today!

The New York Times calls it: "No comment."

Co-pilot/single dad, Mark Peppers, finds creative way to keep troubled son off streets.

FAA officials to award son with honorary Pilot Wings for improved behavior.




Mile High Club singles everywhere are taking notice.

Audiences everywhere are thrilled after long anticipated film "Unicorn, The Porn" gets official release date.

Coy looking actor is set to direct.

Original cast signs on for "Goonies III," the long anticipated theatrical sequel to the top selling Konami NES video game.

The relationship status of Bran and Andy remains unclear.



Cast and crew eager to begin filming the preconceived trilogy. The role of Annie the mermaid has yet to be determined.

Local idiot to reprise the role of "Sloth" in lieu of John Matuszak, who died shortly after the making of the 8-bit sequel.