Local dog found playing dead. Crybaby owner won't turn off the water works.

Local neighbor says dog's owner is a "little baby poop head."

Mom & Daughter dream team memorialize their bond for Mother's Day. Childless divorcee and adoring fan provides the ink.

Dream Team mother and daughter, Barbara & Tilly Tooter, signed a non-traditional blood pact to be "Forever honest, true, and loving to each other." With the Tooters being unable to draw their own blood, a long time fan of the small family came to the rescue. Local resident, Elaine Tayne, donated blood directly from her barren womb to the help consummate the Tooter’s special bond. 

Although Ms Tayne is unable to reproduce or adopt children, she had this to say about the event: “My body and the state won’t allow me to have kids, but there’s always more than one way to give birth. Just like I gave birth to the joy and happiness the Tooters now share ”. 

Local doctor, K. Upton Soppy, filed a request with the city to legally start performing non-child birth deliveries and related procedures after business hours. City Council is expected to vote soon on the matter. 

Lil' Rambo at it again after refusing to play quietly. Residents flee town in record numbers.

Boy claims "playtime is over."


Officials identify boy's sister Becca as potential accomplice. Neighbors state: "She was the only one who could ever play nicely with that boy."






Mercenary Mommy brought in by officials to end this nonsense.

McCallister family falls on hard times, parents forced to sell their home...alone.

Local Bandits to submit generous offer.

Parents blame financial upheaval on sons decades of erratic and volatile behavior, over indulgent use of illegal drugs, irresponsible spending, and the film "My Girl."

Discipline guru is set to host conference for new dads at local hospital. All proceeds donated to The Sweet Teresa Fund.

Dr. Ben B. Piper demonstrates how to establish immediate parental dominance with famous technique.

Ted Prunte claims to be at wit's end with newborn son. Father desperately seeks safe and legal means for setting precedence with bratty baby.

Cinco de Mayo deemed "unsexy."

Senoritas convene everywhere over Cervezas to discuss annual disappointment.

Recent study concludes that well fed soda enthusiasts carry Shameless Free Spirit genome.

Test subject Eric “Pab” Chuckles consistently displayed traits of the SFS genome over the course of several days.



Professor K. Upton Soppy believes recent findings will convince his scientific peers that he is "on to something."

Guitar is a hero, claim local authorities.

Local authority states: This guitar has single-handedly prevented another outbreak of dumbass kids wasting their parents hard earned money on something they'll never be any good at.

Completed homework percentages hit all time low.

Babysitter Anna Tips arrested for posing as child psychologist extraordinaire.

Ms. Tips admits to having applied discredited child psychology exercises during playtime to wind down children and subconsciously encourage earlier bedtimes. The babysitter claims she only acted as a vehicle for the subject to manifest their own personal breakthroughs. She vehemently denies any responsibility for disruption in child's behavioral pattern.


Local apothecary immediately notified authorities of the suspected fraud after parents of Vernon Prittle dropped off phony prescriptions for Prozac and laughter to be filled for son.

Re-elected local mayor delivers on campaign promises. Town residents pleased to get mad props in the mail.

Mayor Ronald Scuttle and wife Cheryl Ronnie-Scuttle pictured above.



Resident Harold Loaf states: "Finally, a politician who gives back to the community and doesn't just tax that ass."

Bring your internet child to work day is a huge success!

Local office manager says: "Productivity is at an all time high, and it keeps dads off of the facebook."

#1 big boy has #2 attitude.

Above: Internet blogger Ted displays that he is too big for his britches.

Internet blogger extraordinaire Chris states: The allegations against me are untrue. Everyone knows that I'm best #1 big boy forever.

Newly appointed Fashion Police Sheriff, Greg Tip, vows to crack down on "Ghetto Couture." Deputy Bryce Grup instructed to chastise and fine any persons wearing Scarface paraphanelia on site.

Pictured above:  Sheriff Tip & Deputy Grup celebrating post-inauguration.




Until now officials were unable to enforce law due to jurisdiction.

40 year investigation comes to an end as officials finally apprehend D'Jour F. Poupon, aka "The Great Mouse of Minsk." Suspect responsible for massive rodent infestation and conspiracy against felines.

Mr. Poupon eluded officials for years while his Mouseketeer Army attempted to develop a "secret weapon" to rid all cats from America.




Officials believed they would never capture Poupon alive.





Authorities to place moratorium on "never saying never again."

Hated Irish Chef, O'Seamus Ben-Lachlan, found dead at a Parking Stand. Was killed after unknown U.S. Operator fought and set fire to Ben-Lachlan.

Restaurateur & Chef, founded "Al Caters!" and several "Tally Bon" restaurant chains. Al Caters! received heavy criticism for hostile and competitive nature towards other local restaurant chain, "Joe's American Bar & Grill." Tally Bon also received negative criticisms due to alleged sexism and abuse towards female employees. O'Sheamus Ben-Lachlan condoned the above accusations and admitted to masterminding the heinous vandalization of two American Bar & Grills, resulting in over $3,000 worth of damages.

911 Dispatch operators claim Ben-Lachlan despised and hated the 911 emergency and 411 information system. He adamantly demanded the numbers be switched around, as he considered it "unnecessarily complicated" and "an affront to his personal level of comfort." Ben-Lachlan continuously threatened all Dispatchers and staff, and declared a "War on the American way of dialing." He is also believed to be behind the sending of unmarked packages of free tacos to telephone headquarters, causing the salmonella poisonings of three 911 dispatchers.


Officials celebrate Ben-Lachlan's death, as they always despised him for his poor form and negative attitude. They intend to crackdown on Al Caters! and Tally Bon Restaurants, as a backlash of poor service and food is anticipated. Despite their founder's passing, both restaurants will continue to remain open during business hours.

9 year old, Eric Billups, examined after attempting "Exploding Pants" gag in classroom. Boy expected to be in big trouble when he gets home.

Child attempted to create a fireball by passing gas and lighting it during class. Upon ignition, child's pants immediately combusted at the rear, burning the rest of his pants off. Prior to stunt, boy admits dousing underwear in gasoline for "ultimate comedic effect." He was released from hospital without injury.
 

Eric's father, Stephen Billups states: "I don't find it funny or cute, and he knows that. I have told him time and time again that it's my gasoline and to leave it alone. He doesn't listen or care, because he doesn't know how expensive gas is right now. Just the other day I gave him a gallon of premium and he wasted it all on God knows what. He's got another thing coming if he thinks he can just take my things and use it for shit like this."

School Administrators pass new rule banning "farts during school hours."

Local child rockers, "The Pattycake Boys" release single "Cootie Holes" off upcoming album entitled "We Potty Rockin'."

We Potty Rockin' Tracklisting:

01. I Said, I Didn't Do It
02. Cootie Holes
03. My Crib, My Rulez
04. Somethin to Cry About
05. You Gonna Get It Now (DJ BabyBitch Remix)
06. Bling Out Your Binky
07. Tantrum City (featuring vocals by Baby Armz)
                                                        08. From the Diaper to the Toilet
                                                        09. We Potty Rockin'
                                                        10. Naptimez Over Bitchez
                                                        11. The Ragamuffin Blues
                                                        12. Babysitter Hands

"'We Potty Rockin'' is a refreshing upbeat departure from The Pattycake Boys' first release, "Mama's Milk." The Boys have successfully paired Rock, Hip-Hop, Dance, and House Techno into the perfect party album for any age. Their first hit single, "Cootie Holes," is a raunchy, toe-tapping rendition about the classic tales of early playground politics amongst genders. The chanting chorus "I'll tell if you don't leave me alone/Go away you stupid cootie hole" easily hooks a permanent rotation on your brain's jukebox. Once again, The Pattycake Boys have made a successful record that will keep you "Potty Rockin'" way past your bedtime."

- Doug Husk, critic/journalist for Beats, Bops & Bibs Magazine

Insane Clown Posse's Violent J ponders solo career, finance, and fatherhood in new autobiography: "Treading Lightly."

Author donates all profits to The Sweet Teresa Foundation.


Juggalos everywhere are brought to tears from book and declare it "an insightful masterpiece".

Twin brothers, Mac and Mike Tupolo, found dead in their San Diego home.

Local Police Chief states: "There were no indications of any foul play. The men appear to have died of natural causes."

Local lover, Alan Funty, assaulted by workers at Discount Cuddles & Hugs Shop. Describes incident as a "nightmarish fiasco."

Funty claims employees repeatedly taunted, tickled, and pinched him, resulting in small bruises as well as mental trauma.